I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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