I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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