The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
