do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
