We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
