we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
