i don't like sucking hair
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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