I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
