His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
