Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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