You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
