you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
