just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
