I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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