i just wanna soil my oats bro
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
