it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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