i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
