last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
