i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
