My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
