i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
is that a dick in a sweater?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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