Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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