last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You may now shotgun with the bride
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
