I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
