Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
