Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize