And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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