I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
