..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
