3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
