I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
there is glitter all over my balls
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