I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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