This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
