I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
