so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
