ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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