So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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