Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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