I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
