I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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