Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
