Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
