If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
