I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
