I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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