the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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