I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
