She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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