Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
