Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
