My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
