My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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