You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
