hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
