i think my tv is drunk
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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