I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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