Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
